Home Everywhere, Home Nowhere: Raising a Third Culture Kid in Singapore

As both a mother and a psychotherapist, I’ve spent years observing what it means to grow up between worlds, and what it means to raise a child who belongs everywhere, yet sometimes feels like she belongs nowhere. Through my work and personal journey, I’ve come to see how important community and understanding are for families like ours. That’s why I’m grateful for the collaboration between the Singapore Expat Association (SEA) and TCK (Third Culture Kids) — together, we’re creating spaces where expat parents and children can share their stories, ask the hard questions, and find a sense of belonging in Singapore’s beautiful mix of cultures.

I am the mother of an adult daughter, born and raised in Singapore and a third-generation expatriate; her father and I are from two different continents (Europe and Africa).

People often tell me, “How lucky, your daughter must speak many languages and understand many cultures.” That is true. With a Swedish father raised in Italy, and a Belgian Moroccan French speaking mother (product of post French colonialism), our daughter was immersed in many languages since birth, adding to that Mandrin language that she learned in childcare center and throughout primary school.

But there is another truth: expat children carry deep questions that are not always visible. The loudest one being “Who am I really, and where do I belong?”

I say this both as a mother and as a psychotherapist who previously worked as a school counsellor in international and local schools in Singapore. In my practice, I met many children and teens who have lived in multiple places, attended international and/or local schools, and learned to adapt quickly. On the outside they look confident, yet inside they can feel rootless.

The quiet struggle under a bright surface

Singapore is a wonderful place to grow up, safe, diverse, and efficient.

Most expat children here go to international schools and switch between cultures with ease, yet some quietly wonder: “Where is home if my grandparents live far away?”, “Why don’t I have one country I call mine?”, “Which culture is the ‘right’ one for me?”, And most importantly : “ why can’t I stay in the same country as my close friends?”

Sociologists call these young people Third-Culture Kids[1] (TCKs), children who grow up in a culture different from their parents.’ TCKs tend to be curious and skilled at reading people and situations, and at understanding that there is more than one “normal.”

TCKs also carry the invisible grief of missing what they never fully had: one hometown with the same childhood friends, and one stable definition of “us.”

In therapy I see this grief show up as sadness, anger, perfectionism, or silence.

Identity is not a box, it is a layered story

When we ask children to pick one identity, we put them in a tight box that does not fit. Many expat children are layered, not linear. They might be Moroccan/Swedish at the dinner table, international with friends from all over the world, and Singapore-raised in Singapore (yes, my daughter proudly speaks Singlish outside the classroom”

Instead of, “Which culture are you?” the right question is “What are the many parts of you, and how do they live together?”

Third-Culture Kids (TCKs) are both/and, not either/or

What if our TCKs are from stories, not from places? Identity can be built from values (kindness, curiosity, respect), relationships (people who love me), and practices (rituals that make me feel “me”), not just passports.

Given time and support, TCKs often become adults who manage change with unusual flexibility and connect across differences. Their ability to bridge worlds with ease remains a quiet strength they carry in whatever career they follow.

Practical ways to support identity and wellbeing

If you are raising a child between worlds in Singapore, you are not alone. Here are gentle, concrete steps you can implement as parents:

·       Name their feeling will help them feel understood: “It makes sense you feel a bit lost.”

·       Set a few rituals that help anchor them: Friday meatballs, Sunday laksa, or a bedtime song in two languages.

·       Turn the complexity into story by drawing where family members were born (roots) and where life has taken you (routes).

·       Use the word “and’ as strength, for instance, in our family we encouraged our daughter to say: “I am Moroccan and Belgian and Swedish, and Singapore-raised.”

·       Help children grow their sense of belonging through people, this can be with trusted adults and friends, teachers, coaches, neighbours, community groups. Belonging is often a who, not a where. My daughter is still connected to her Singaporean and expatriate friends, even if some have left Singapore many years ago.

·       Many TCKs feel they must handle every change perfectly. Remind them they do not have to be perfect to belong and that it is okay to be messy.

·       As leaving Singapore hurts, mark farewells with small rituals: a photo book, a goodbye letter, a shared playlist.

In general, as adults, we need to learn to stop asking young people to choose one identity. Instead, we ask: “What lights you up? What values guide you? Who are “your people”?

TCKs may not be from one place but they are certainly from many places that love them, and from the choices they make every day.

Visit our website: https://omf.org/sg/

As I look back, I see that raising a Third Culture Kid isn’t just about helping them adapt, it’s about helping them own every part of who they are. Through the collaboration between SEA and TCK, I’ve witnessed how shared stories, empathy, and community can turn cultural complexity into strength. When we connect as parents, educators, and expats, we remind each other, and our children,  that identity isn’t something to fix, it’s something to celebrate.

If this resonates with you, I warmly invite you to be part of our growing community of families, thinkers, and bridge-builders.

Article by Sanaa Lundgren, Counselor and Psychotherapy, at Options & Care Pte Ltd To know more do contact at lundgrensanaa@gmail.com  

Email us today at members@expatassociation.com or join us now at expatassociation.com/join-us — and let’s continue building a world where every child between cultures can truly feel at home.